Travel Journal: Cuenca, Day 13

I don't know if anyone will see this... Just trying to get my thoughts out now while everything is fresh in my mind. I'll probably post this one after I edit later.

Today went by so fast. The last few days (I haven't written about yet) have been a whirlwind and I've had such wonderful evenings, loving the atmosphere and the blessing of being part of the group. And yet, since last night at Turi, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that these aren't my people. Maybe it's because I'm leaving in a matter of hours, really. Or maybe it's something that God's been settling in my spirit.

I talked with Gina for almost three hours over a Facebook video call, and we talked about everything under the sun. (Ecuadorian dairy products, what's going on at CC, summer plans for my internship, hanging out with the crew, going to Passion soon, and hard stuff that needs worked through and prayed through.) Every day I'm more ready to go home. It's such an incredible blessing to know that I have people to come home to. That I have a place where I fit back into the picture and there is a familiar rhythm. I've been very wary of familiar and comfortable. I don't want to be stagnant and I don't want to grow complacent. I have people on all sides who have pushed, challenged, and encouraged me to leave my comfort zone behind. And now it's felt almost wrong to be so happy about returning to what's comfortable.

But today really pressed some truths down on me and I had no choice but to sit down and digest them thoroughly while I was broken open enough to receive the direction I'd been praying for so intently.

We ended up at Gaby's house for prayer this evening, after a day of feeling distanced and somewhat discontent. I couldn't stop thinking about my conversations with Gina and with Chad, and I was frustrated with myself because the fact that my ideas for my future have radically changed over the last month or so was still stinging badly. I wanted to be okay with it all because there are so many incredible things on the horizon. But my emotions were getting the best of me and I needed a little time to finish grieving it before I could focus my full attention on what is to come. 

"Por un momento en Tu presencia
por un instante de Tu amor
por un destello de Tu gloria
por un minuto nada mas
todo daria
no importaria 
lo que tenga que pasar
lo que tenga esperar

tengo hambre de Ti
de Tu presencia
de Tu fragancia
de Tu poder
hambre que duele 
que debilita
que desespera
por Ti"

"Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge. 

I said to the Lord, 'You are my master! 

Every good thing I have comes from you.'

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. 

You guard all that is mine. 

The land you have given me is a pleasant land. 

What a wonderful inheritance!

I will bless the Lord who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. 

I know the Lord is always with me. 

I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me." 

I had to repent of my own lofty plans. I had to put my head down and admit to the Lord that I'd been ignoring what he placed in front of me for what I thought would be bigger and better. I cried my eyes out listening to the four friends pray for their church, for their leaders, for their own hearts, and for each other. My heart was broken over what I'd been neglecting. 

As much as I love this area, as much as I've grown to love these people, I don't see my place here. I can't say anything about the future, but right now God's breaking my heart for my home. I believe he can equip me for any work that he has for me to accomplish, but right now I can see where I can be of use for his kingdom. I have to go home and love with my whole heart. I have to go to church and worship with my whole heart. I have to be a prayer warrior. I have to cry out to the Lord on behalf of those I love and be in tune with his Spirit to be able to be of use to anyone. I have to lay my dreams at the feet of my Lord and be faithful in the small, for God measures differently than I do. I have to be faithful in the small, for I believe that he and his plans are "immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine." I'm laying what I thought I wanted on the altar and telling him that I just want to follow. I want to serve. I want to do small things with great love. I want to have his kind of compassion, even when it hurts terribly. I believe that it's worth it. 

Jesus, forgive me of my reluctance. Break me of my pride. I so want to have a humble heart, a servant's heart. I know that if this is what you're calling me to in this season, it is not settling. I know you satisfy - totally and completely. Teach me that you are all my heart could ever desire and so much more. 

How appropriate that in the last few days of "Faithful 15" God is still laying the groundwork in me for what it means to be truly faithful. To be faith-full. How perfectly this word goes along with the next "Steadfast 16."

Okay now that all my makeup has been cried off, my nose has been running for multiple hours, and my sleeve definitely says that this sweater needs to be laundered after such an evening... I'm going to get some rest before I finally get to see El Cajas in the morning. 

In closing, God is faithful. I'm trying to be. I'm coming home with a burden on my heart (to be the best I can where I am) and a soul drenched in blessings - fed by, filled, and overflowing with the love of the One who gave up his life to give me mine. He loves me. He cares for me. He thinks enough of me that he wants me to be a light for him. It is the joy and privilege of my entire existence.