March 4, 2020

Tonight while Nick and I were having good conversation over dinner, he asked when I last read my Bible. I said, "Not that long ago," to which he replied, "Was it before the weekend?" and I had to say, "Yes." He likened it to fasting for five days, which he rightly pointed out that I've never done in the natural, so why would I deprive myself like that in the spiritual?

The conversation stirred up some old confusion and hurt regarding my difficulty with staying engaged with Scripture, but it also stirred up an old hunger to know the voice of God - to be steeped in the history of his speech, to be enraptured by description of who he is and rejoice with the authors of the Bible about his goodness. To know how he talks, to hear it inside my head as I read and become more and more familiar with the cadence of his conversation.

I remembered being a freshman in college, newly exposed to the Pentecostal tradition and desperate to hear the voice of God for myself. I asked almost all my friends, "How do you know when you've heard the Lord?" And almost always the response was, "When you know, you know." I wanted so badly to know. And later, I wanted so badly to experience the baptism of the Holy Spirit and was so grateful when the gift finally came, that I think I came to lean more heavily on the certainty that Holy Spirit lives inside of me than the certainty that God wants to speak to me through his Word. How poignant does it seem now, that God gifted me with baptism in the Spirit while my Bible was open to Romans 8, as I was reading and meditating on and believing the truth of the Word I held in my hands... "For we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

As Nick graciously challenged me to know God more in the Word, almost immediately "Ephesians" dropped into my head. When you know, you know. So I opened my Bible again tonight. Even brought out a commentary. And could hardly get through the first verse!

"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God..."

I've been listening to a worship song lately that says, "I know whose I am. God, I belong to you." There is so much language in Ephesians 1 about us being divinely chosen and adopted and united in God's purpose, and this first verse is such a strong statement of identity that it immediately made me wonder how deeply we truly believe that our lives are vital to God's purpose, or how often we truly contemplate his intentions. Not that he needs us, but he chose and ordained and implemented us, individually, into his plan for the world.

I am who I am by the will of God. He wanted me to be this unique way. He has an assignment for me that reflects to the world a specific slice of his nature through the way he made me. I am proud of my Father's sovereign ownership of my life because I have seen tenderness of his heart and hands. I am who I am by the will of God.