not in a hurry

I’ve always detested exercise. My sister loves to tell people that I threw up on my socks in the 8^th grade when forced to “run” a mile in P.E. class. By a genuine miracle of God, my metabolism keeps everything fairly trim. It has not ever been because of any physical effort on my part... I’m just being honest.

Yet, for some reason, I’ve gotten up twice in the past month or so to go for a jog. I can’t call it a run, in good conscience. (It’s not that serious.) But I did that, and I’ve been swimming laps one or two days a week for… you know… a week or two. I realize this is all largely unimpressive, especially to people like my former XC-running roommate, but I call it progress!

Yesterday morning was the occasion of my second jog. I was not a bucket of cheer when I woke up. I started out mad. I blasted worship music in my headphones and mulled over the litany of things I was upset about. (Tip: Those two activities don’t go together. It’s impossible to keep rehearsing your problems when you’re busy singing about the faithfulness of God.) The further I went, the more I sang. The more I sang, the further I went. “I’ll just get to the corner of that fence.” “Okay now I can make it to that mailbox.”

By the time I'd circled around and was close to the house again, I was jogging with my hands in the air like a lunatic, not caring a whit about the random driver or cyclist who might notice my praise break. I ended at least 20 minutes earlier than last time, having covered more ground, with zero nausea. (That is actually a big deal. Trust me.) More importantly, I took off yesterday morning angry at my situation and heartbroken at the limitations of my circumstances but finished with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, FULLY CONVINCED that my Father loves me and is proud of me.

Where did the shift happen? When I stopped dwelling on all the things I can’t do right now, all the things I can’t be right now, and chose to be with God in this moment. This season is all I have! I can spend precious time and emotional energy dreaming about what might be to come, but the only thing I can do about it is steward well what I have now. God isn’t upset that I am not yet a fully developed disciple, that my circle of influence is relatively small, or that I am not as fruitful for the Kingdom as I want to be. Just like my sweet boyfriend wrote last week:

“God’s not in a hurry. You are.
And He is more interested in changing you than using you.”

I didn’t know how badly I needed to believe and live that until the issues piled up this week, and suddenly I couldn’t see the goal over the top of that pile. What has the goal always been? What is it the Lord requires of me? “To act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8)

Now. In this season. Make every effort where you are, currently. It’s never been about a track record, but God wants your whole heart. It’s never been about performance, but God wants you to experience all he has for you. His best isn’t waiting in the next year or the next opportunity. Your Father loves you fully now. He is convinced of his choice now. He is pleased with your desire to be close to him now, and is eager to see how your daily choices of faithfulness and obedience draw you deeper into this difficult and beautiful relationship – with the only One who can fully satisfy every corner of that wild and needy heart he shaped with his own hands.

Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You. 
Reveal to me the way I should go because I long for You… 

Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. 
May Your gracious Spirit lead me on level ground. 

Psalm 143:8,10