(Note: I started this post a LONG time ago, and just re-discovered it.. Some things have changed, and some things have been processed more so I can articulate them better, but the story is still relevant. So I figured it would still be beneficial to share.)
On January 7th, 2015, I looked up from the passenger seat of my friend's car and found myself at this intersection. I was gripped by an unpleasant feeling of déjà vu as I realized that I had been at this particular intersection a year and a half ago in an entirely different situation. (One year, five months, and fifteen days...to be precise.) There are very few things in my life that I can pinpoint by dates, but lo and behold, this turned out to be one of them. And I consider that quite significant, seeing as how I do my best to not take "coincidences" for granted anymore.
On January 7th, 2015, I looked up from the passenger seat of my friend's car and found myself at this intersection. I was gripped by an unpleasant feeling of déjà vu as I realized that I had been at this particular intersection a year and a half ago in an entirely different situation. (One year, five months, and fifteen days...to be precise.) There are very few things in my life that I can pinpoint by dates, but lo and behold, this turned out to be one of them. And I consider that quite significant, seeing as how I do my best to not take "coincidences" for granted anymore.
It turns out that a person can be radically changed in one year, five months, and fifteen days. It turns out that they can actually feel like an completely different person after that time period. That might make sense to you, because a year and a half sounds like a long time. But let me tell you, it feels like yesterday. This is where my struggle comes in:
How do you navigate the reshaping of your life? How many of the gritty details are you required to carry with you and keep in your personal description? Is it lying to remove your now-self from your then-self? How much of the then-story do you have to include to accurately share the now-story? Are you telling a full truth if you're focusing on the changed essence of the present-day-you?
How do you navigate the reshaping of your life? How many of the gritty details are you required to carry with you and keep in your personal description? Is it lying to remove your now-self from your then-self? How much of the then-story do you have to include to accurately share the now-story? Are you telling a full truth if you're focusing on the changed essence of the present-day-you?
I could ask that question in a hundred more different ways. That tension plagued my conception of self since the day I truly decided to surrender to God's ways of life, trusting that whatever he planned for me had to be better than the mess my own choices had created. (Spoiler alert: It was.) Well, "plagued" is perhaps too strong a word. More like "haunted". In many ways, I could clearly measure the progress God was fostering in my life! I was ending unhealthy relationships, placing myself in environments of encouragement, requesting and applying wisdom from more spiritually mature people, and staying hungry for growth with the Lord. But every now and again, that condemnation would creep back over me again and I would feel the heavy weight pulling on my momentum.
At first I handled this by over-sharing and being too transparent. I had spent quite a long time being the only one who knew what I was going through, so I figured running in the opposite direction had to be better. I wasn't smart about it and opened up to people who either weren't equipped or weren't committed to help me grow. That didn't work. And it got worse when I tried pretending that I wasn't feeling what was going on. It looked okay for a little bit. But in the moments where the heaviness all caught up with me and hung on to my ankles, it turned out to be fifty times worse. Let me tell you, nothing worked. Nothing worked until I worked at rooting my life in truth.
Some of you were once like that. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
(1 Corinthians 6:11)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come into being. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2)
The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you... (Romans 8:6-9)
I'm not saying that the problem disappeared because of my own effort. I'm saying that God doesn't snap his fingers and dispel the condemnation in your life if you're not coming to him with the desire to understand what he has to say about it. I was living under this weight, living with this weight, even though God said I was free. I just had to draw close enough to him to hear it. My life changed when I dove into his Word to figure out what he thinks about me.
The lies say:
This turned into a longer post than I expected, but it's because learning and internalizing this has been such a transformational process in my life. I wanted to sure that enough truth was communicated to present the whole story. It wasn't my job to answer the question "What percentage of Amelia should be defined by her past experiences?" It was my job to take that question to my loving Father and allow him to tell me who he has created me to be.
At first I handled this by over-sharing and being too transparent. I had spent quite a long time being the only one who knew what I was going through, so I figured running in the opposite direction had to be better. I wasn't smart about it and opened up to people who either weren't equipped or weren't committed to help me grow. That didn't work. And it got worse when I tried pretending that I wasn't feeling what was going on. It looked okay for a little bit. But in the moments where the heaviness all caught up with me and hung on to my ankles, it turned out to be fifty times worse. Let me tell you, nothing worked. Nothing worked until I worked at rooting my life in truth.
Some of you were once like that. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
(1 Corinthians 6:11)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come into being. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1-2)
The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you... (Romans 8:6-9)
I'm not saying that the problem disappeared because of my own effort. I'm saying that God doesn't snap his fingers and dispel the condemnation in your life if you're not coming to him with the desire to understand what he has to say about it. I was living under this weight, living with this weight, even though God said I was free. I just had to draw close enough to him to hear it. My life changed when I dove into his Word to figure out what he thinks about me.
The lies say:
- You can't do it.
- You're always going to be like this.
- That's just who you are.
- You're too gross to be close to God and hear him.
- I can do it.
- It's never too late to change, start right now.
- I have gifted you a new identity.
- I have made you clean, and I want you to hear my voice.
This turned into a longer post than I expected, but it's because learning and internalizing this has been such a transformational process in my life. I wanted to sure that enough truth was communicated to present the whole story. It wasn't my job to answer the question "What percentage of Amelia should be defined by her past experiences?" It was my job to take that question to my loving Father and allow him to tell me who he has created me to be.
God is for us, not against us. He is not keeping score, he is actively caring for you. If you have put your trust in him as your Savior, he has given you this new life and he wants you to live it out loud in a way that says you believe it. If you aren't living for him and think that you're too far down the road to back up and start again -- God has more for you. You are precious to him. He wants to help you live better in relationship with him, and he wants to enable you to experience true fulfillment while you are making an even greater difference in the world. It starts with giving your heart to him and telling him that you are choosing to trust him. He can take it from there!
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